Friday, October 9, 2015


The story of my life. 
Waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting for mr. Right. Waiting on God to move in every area. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
I don't have a problem with the waiting. I have a problem with the pain that there seems to be no cure for. I have a problem with the depression that won't leave. I have a problem with the loneliness and the ache that God lets linger no matter how many times I beg for Him to take it.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of Christians giving me their so-called wisdom on how to ease it all. "Well, if you'd just to this," or "you need to fix that." "Pray like this." "You're not doing that." To be more specific, it's phrases like "spend more time with God," "tithe more," "serve more." "Get rid of that person," and one of my personal favorites "just give it to God and  stop worrying about it."
See, here's the thing...I do give my stuff to God. Anything that hurts I am MORE than willing to hand it over. I HATE pain. Emotional pain is the worst for me. Physical pain has an end, emotional pain seems endless. 
First of all, I spend time with God. For me that's a daily necessity. It's NOT an option. Second, I have prayed more times than I can ever possibly count for God to take the pain. I pray 1 Peter 5:7 (Cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for you), and the response I get is 2 Corinthians 1:9 (My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness), Psalm 46:10 (be still and know that I am God) and one of my personal favorites, Proverbs 3:5-6 (trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths). 
I am not good at any of these things. First, I hate being weak. I have survived some crazy things in my life because I have a strong personality. Weakness, in my mind, is not an option. Second, I am not good at being still. I don't know why, but I hate being still. And third, let's be perfectly honest here, I'm not good at trusting either. Don't get me wrong, there are certain areas that I FULLY trust God in. But there are one or two that I would prefer to just lay it down and walk...or rather run...away. 
The problem is that all of these things don't come easy to me. They should...but they don't. If I was to be completely open with my past, (and you didn't run the other way), you'd probably understand my need to run and His pressing to be still. You'd understand why I hide behind a wall of passivity and why I'd rather not be in the whole "dating scene". 
So what am I supposed to do? I can't run backwards but I feel like I can't go forward either. I feel like I'm stuck. This of course takes me to the Israelites. The Red Sea (the obstacle) is on one side and the Egyptians (their past) is on the other. They're trapped. They've watched God perform many miracles and yet they're crying out for death and even the chance to go back. You'd think they'd be happy. They're free. They're on their way to their promised land. A harsh reality hits me..I'm I'm looking at the situation as if God has never come through for me before. I've been set free and spared from so much yet I act as if that was somehow better than what God has. 
So the real answer is that I have to be like Joshua, Caleb, and David. I have to face my giant and know that my promised land is not something that is taken easily. It's filled with Giants. Giants of my past. There's no running this time. As much as it hurts, I must be still and know that He is God. But it's easier said than done. That's where 2 Corinthians steps in. I'm weak. I don't want to stand. I want to run. But He is strong. And I have to trust. 
Waiting. It's not a passive thing. Sometimes it's facing your Giants and watching Him overcome. It's taking up your armor and standing your ground as God fights for you. It hurts and it sucks but if experience has taught me anything, He's faithful. He will come through but the thing is: I have to be still and wait.